4 years ago my life changed overnight.
I went to bed normal.
I woke up in the middle of the night and I was never the same.
As I reflect on the desperate months following in which my health would plummet to a critical point, I can finally face the memories, the losses, the guilt, the grief, and the pain that has haunted me for so long and face it with hope, with courage, with security, and with joy. And most importantly, with God. He has been unfailingly faithful, always constant, unchanging, and ever present.
In some ways, these past 4 years have gone by achingly slow, but in other ways, it feels like it was just a few months ago that this nightmare-turned-journey-with-God began. I won’t lie to you. Every inch of ground gained has been fought for. Every day has been a battle. And no, I haven’t fought the best or been the greatest soldier. I’ve had my share of bad days, miserable days, days when I didn’t make the choices I should have made, days when I just didn’t try very hard, days that I wish I could do over, days I felt stuck, days when I’d cry and tell God I was tired of fighting, that it was too hard, that I couldn’t keep going.
But not every day has ended in defeat, and although this has been the most difficult period of time in my life so far, I’ve had many good days as well, and that’s not because I’m good, it’s because God is so good. God never stopped being good, He never let me quit, and He never gave up on me during this time of refinement in which He did a lot of molding, changing, and renewing. God has brought me so far.
I can say without hesitation that I am not the woman I was 4 years ago. I am a very different person. What I’ve walked through has changed me and even though I’m still adjusting to living without aspects of who I used to be, like living without a limb, there were so many detrimental things about the woman I was 4 years ago, that I’m glad I’m not her any more.
I’ve sensed for a few months now that this specific chapter of my life is coming to a close and a new season is beginning. It is hard to say goodbye to this chapter in some respects and it has been bittersweet. This chapter has refined me, changed me, and redefined me in ways no other chapter in my life has. It holds some of the most challenging, painful, and difficult moments in my life that have made me more confident and secure in my relationship with Christ, more aware of others’ needs and suffering, more willing to be transparent and real, and (hopefully) more like Christ. This precious time unearthed many treasures that I will be taking with me into the next season of life. While I am sad in some ways, I am also relieved to have closure, to move on, and to embark on yet a different part of my walk with Christ that holds more precious discoveries for me.
When the new year begins, I plan on sharing a new project with you that has been on my heart for the past 2 years. I’ve talked about sharing it for awhile, but I haven’t been ready and things just kept standing in the way. This project is called “When I Look Back: The Journey” and I will be sharing the songs I wrote during my travels through this part of my journey that is coming to a close. In the meantime, I will be sharing journal entries from that time, revisiting old posts, and sharing new stuff as well. I’m looking forward to the new year and sharing the special, precious songs and insights God blessed me with along the way.
I will be back soon to share more with you!