Adriel's Music Notes

This site is dedicated to chronicling my music writing journey. Posts include personal thoughts, stories behind songs with links to listen and download these songs for free.

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I Lost it…for Real

June 22, 2015 by Adriel 3 Comments

KIRMPlainUntil a couple of months ago, I was struggling to believe one of my promise verses from Romans 8:28:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

In fact, I was struggling to believe period. I reached the end of a year of darkness that brought me to a breaking point, literally. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve “lost it” and I must admit that a couple months ago, I snapped like a stick. Completely, utterly, shamefully lost it. It was triggered by a simple comment, but one that reinforced a fact that I resented admitting and facing: no matter how hard I tried, I would never be the “old me” again. But there it was, staring me straight in the face and confronting me when I’d done my best to avoid looking at it too long for all those months. And the truth completely undid me.

Fortunately no one else was home, otherwise I’m not sure I would’ve been able to completely admit where I was at or face my reality head on. God knew I needed to be alone. I sat in the middle of the bed, beyond devastated, angry, and hurt, and I succumbed to wailing, crying, pounding the mattress, and looking up at the ceiling, telling God that He didn’t care. If that sounds dramatic, this next part will be even more shocking. I then began throwing the pillows off the bed, anything within reach became my next victim. And then I saw my journals on the nightstand. All those journals with years and years of quiet times with the Lord, special verses, notes from sermons, and all the songs in them. I took each one and chucked it across the room as hard as I could in mixture of anger and pain. As I surveyed the aftermath in tears, I looked at all those journals strewn on the floor and told myself none of it was true any more.

I didn’t get to this shocking moment overnight. You see, there had been months, even years, leading up to this point. Months and months of trying to accept a woman who seemed like a stranger. And the more I wrestled with God over my identity and my ideals compared to His will and plans for me, my faith was assailed. Every day was a battle to choose to surrender and not fight against God’s molding and forming. Every day was a fight to stay present, to face the day with a good attitude, to be there as much as I could for my family, and to not escape my true reality using a variety of forms to drown out the pain.

But in a moment, after a careless remark that screamed “failure” at me in the midst of all my trying and best intentions, my heart broke, my faith faltered, and I threw a tantrum. As I picked up various articles off the floor after my “moment”, I couldn’t help but notice one of my journals was now very battered and the binding broken. As I studied it with sadness, taking note of the damage, I couldn’t help but see the irony, because that’s exactly how I felt: broken, battered…as if things would never be the same.

Over the next following weeks, I went to the Lord in tears over that incident, begging Him to forgive me for my anger, but it didn’t seem to matter how many times I prayed, I felt a distance between God and myself. I feared the worst: that maybe my faith was so broken, it was beyond repair and/or what I’d done was unforgivable because of my unbelief. So many conflicting emotions, thoughts, feelings…I sensed friction between the Lord and myself, friction that had been simmering for many months.

Weeks before this explosion in my room, I remember walking down the stairs in a frustrated state at God, telling Him that He was really testing me. He responded, “You’re really testing me.” And I knew exactly what God meant when He spoke that to my heart – I was testing the depth of His love, the boundaries of His forgiveness, the measure of His grace, the lengths of His kindness. I was testing His very nature and character with my own behavior that was shamefully rebellious to see if everything God said about Himself was true. I found out that it was and is indeed very true.

Psalm 119 50

When I finally came to that breaking point in a weeping heap in the middle of my bed, as ugly as it was and as shameful as my actions that day were, it was a turning point in my year-long battle with God over what He had chosen for me. It made me talk more to my husband and express the deepest and rawest emotions. My mom has been my confidant for many years, but I had even shut down on her, trying to brave it myself and pretend like nothing was wrong. Between the two of them, hearing message after message on Sundays that challenged me to walk in truth, and the Bible studies I committed to which covered areas related to what I was facing, no matter what book of the Bible we were studying or devotional we were reading… my heart was continuously, persistently convicted.

In one of my conversations with my husband, I was a mess of tears and emotions, telling him how I felt like I had less faith than I’d ever had before, that I was worse as a person than I’d ever seen myself, and he just gently told me that was a good thing. That made me cry even more, but his point was that seeing myself for what I really am without Christ and how much I need Him was priceless. When I shared my situation with my mom, she gently but firmly told me I had believed lies about the Lord that would take time to pull up, just like weeds. My pastor and his wife had no idea the turmoil I was going through, but every time I was in one of their Bible studies, Sunday school times, or listening to a sermon, there was no place for coddling the flesh and how it felt. There was just truth and what the Bible said and everything I heard resonated within me as an echo of what I already knew to be true.

I was exactly where God wanted me to be – in a church to hear and receive the truth about how a believer should respond when faith is tested in times of hardship, surrounded by people who cared about and loved me, not to mention that I was being relentlessly pursued by my Savior God Who wouldn’t and couldn’t let go of me because I am His child and I belong to Him. What a wonder, truly!

Coming to a place of humility, admitting my brokenness, my anger, my resistance, my pain, my questions, and being so tired of fighting God’s will that I was practically desperate to wave the white flag and surrender…that place is worth every moment of heartache and every tear. This is how our faith grows. Sometimes, we have to get chopped down to what may seem the root and it may appear to be a hopeless situation that would be impossible to recover from. But that’s exactly what we need sometimes for us to grow in the way God has destined for us and since we serve the God of the impossible, He can absolutely make that growth possible. He can and He will!

God Is God Elisabeth Elliot

I’ll be sharing a song later this week with you that I wrote in response to this whole process that God has been leading me through. Until then, may you keep your eyes on the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame. Things looked pretty hopeless and impossible for Christ too…but the grave was not the end of the story for Him, but rather just the beginning. I’d say that’s a very promising leader to follow. =)

Humbly,
Adriel

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Dark Times Are Essential for Growth

June 15, 2015 by Adriel 1 Comment

KIRMPlainIn some of the upcoming videos, I mention a dark time that I went through recently. Maybe I’ll talk about that a little more some other time; however, for today’s post, I wanted to talk about the potential of dark times, the value of those dark places, because it’s easy to look at the dark times negatively. I know I have.

I had a conversation with a songwriting friend a couple of months ago and I mentioned to her how I was coming out of a dark time and how the dark times made me think of a seed. It’s in the ground, buried in the darkness, for days, weeks, months…but not forever. =)

Tremendous, amazing transformation occurs while that seed is in the ground. If it wasn’t for being buried in a dark place, there would be no growth, no life. And that’s how I am coming to view dark times. In these dark places, God is able to grow us in ways that would be otherwise impossible. He’s been doing that in my heart and my life during the dark time I recently passed through.

darkplace

I honestly didn’t know if I was going to spiritually survive my most recent dark place. It was incredibly intense, painful, confusing, and devastating, among other things. I was a very broken person and felt like my faith had been squeezed dry. God’s relentless and unfailing love kept me hoping when I didn’t even feel like I believed any more.

Dark places are essential for growth - Post about dark places and spiritual growth at adrielhong.com

What should you do if you’re in a dark place that seems to be squeezing the life out of you?

  • Find promises in scripture and hold on to them as if your very life depended on them … because it does! Find a new promise each day or take one for a week. Keep those promises close to your heart and don’t let them go!
  • Don’t stop reading the Bible and spending time with the Lord. This is your water and fertilizer! God may feel a million miles away and you may not feel anything after your daily reading, but feelings are not accurate. You will only prolong your dark time by distancing yourself from the Lord, because without that water and fertilizer, it’s going to be difficult for you to grow properly.
  • Remember that growth takes time. Be patient, be quiet. Don’t fight what God is doing. Surrender to His will, even to this place of darkness, and wait for Him to do His work in your life. Continue walking in obedience, believing and trusting that God is doing a good work in you!
  • Eliminate distractions that keep you from focusing on the growth God is doing in your life. The process of growth isn’t pretty or comfortable, but you’ll be doing yourself a disservice by finding ways to get out of facing your true reality. Be all there and stay engaged, even if you just want to crawl back in bed and pretend like this isn’t happening. It’s really happening and God most likely has some specific instructions for you that are essential for your growth but are going to be hard to hear if you’re tuned out.
  • Personally, I needed music. Find songs that are truth-filled, God-focused, and turn the volume up. Stop worshiping your trial and start worshiping God in the middle of the trial. The difference is extraordinary!!
  • Keep an eternal focus and perspective. Yes, some of our earthly trials may very well last for the rest of our earthly lives, but that doesn’t mean forever. As difficult as it may be to say to yourself, remember that your affliction is momentary and light. Your flesh isn’t going to like that reminder and your mind is going to argue that point. No matter…it doesn’t change the truth of God’s word. Momentary and light…speak those words (out loud if needed) when the dark time feels like it’s been forever, when a complaint about the conditions forms in your mind, when your heart is breaking and you don’t think you can bear another minute…whenever, whatever…those words are powerful and effective. The more you say them, the easier they are to accept.
  • If you’re struggling with anger and bitterness toward God, hash it out with Him. God is a good listener and He only speaks what is true. Don’t keep all the frustration inside. Tell God what’s going on and just be honest with Him. I’ve found that in my most broken moments, I talk to God more like how I would talk to a real person versus other times I pray. These conversations have been incredible and have been the most authentic…they are what I would like more of my conversations with God to be like. God can handle how you’re feeling, but He wants to hear it from you. And when you pour it all out, He has the most amazing way of setting you straight. Be prepared for the anger and bitterness to lose its hold on you, because God is so kind and tender…you just can’t stay mad at Him.
  • Confide in a godly person/persons you are close to about all that you are feeling and struggling with so they can be praying for you and encourage you in the truth. It is truly beautiful to see the body of Christ at work. What a privilege to be on the receiving end of God’s care through His hands, feet, mouth, etc. I was incredibly blessed by members of His body who I hadn’t even talked to, but I was on their hearts and they sent me words of encouragement in addition to the people who knew my struggle and encouraged me along the way. Staying accountable to someone is important.
  • Use this dark place to cultivate your relationship with God. He wants to take you deeper. He wants you to know Him more intimately. Rest in His love for you and cherish this time with the Lord. You won’t get this time back. Don’t waste this experience.
  • Look beyond yourself. Pray for others and share in their burdens. It’s crazy how being more aware of others can cause your perspective to do a 180, but it’s true.

If I had more time to sit here and write, I’m sure I could add more to these action points. But I think you get the picture. A big part of getting through this is your attitude and your focus. Our women’s group at my wonderful church just started a Bible study with the book, “Calm My Anxious Heart”, and it has been very refreshing! I loved this quote the author shared that I just have to share with you too!

“Two women looked out from prison bars, one saw mud, the other saw stars.”

Looks for the stars, my friend! Look for the diamonds, the treasure, that are found only in the dark places. =)

Looking up,
Adriel

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I'm Adriel Hong and I am a child of God and believer in Jesus Christ. I'm also a wife, a homeschool mom, and a Christian singer/songwriter.

I'd like to welcome you to my music notes, a little corner of cyberspace where I share my songwriting journey, which includes free music, stories behind the songs, personal testimonies, music videos, and my musings. I pray that God would bless you and encourage you through this site and the songs that I am privileged to write down for Him. Check out my blog posts, listen to music, watch a video, or just poke around to make your own discoveries! Thanks for visiting and have a very blessed day! =)

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