Adriel's Music Notes

This site is dedicated to chronicling my music writing journey. Posts include personal thoughts, stories behind songs with links to listen and download these songs for free.

  • About
    • Bio
    • My Songwriting Philosophy
  • Listen
    • I Exist for You
    • Miscellaneous
  • Videos
  • Contact

The Other Woman – Keeping It Real Monday

February 8, 2015 by Adriel 1 Comment

KeepingItRealMondayTOWLate last summer, I became aware of a fact that I had been blind to, but most certainly needed to wake up to: the other woman. She had the potential to rob me of the family God had given me, the life I’d been blessed with, the healing I desperately needed. She was living in my home…with me. And she needed to leave.

She was cruel to me, flaunting her amazing, incredible, capable, sufficient, energetic, lively, active, accomplished, healthy, stable, strong, superior self at me whenever she could. She was everything I wanted to be. She was everything I (thought I) once had been. She was me, or rather, the me that was no longer.

She was a ghost. Haunting me, following me around all day, accompanying me throughout the day’s tasks. Constantly criticizing me, putting me down, making me feel guilty, belittling my attempts at living like a normal person again, mocking the small things I accomplished, looking on my small victories with disdain. She was impossible to compete with and please.

She was my ideal. She was the woman I longed to be, but couldn’t be anymore.

And so I stopped trying. Why try when I could never live up to who she was? It didn’t matter if I had energy to make dinner. She was there to scoff and remind me of all the dinners I used to make easily. Why try when anything I did would seem so insignificant compared to all that she could have done? I felt defeated before I even tried. She always won. She was always better.

I kind of gave up without even realizing it. I just settled for living in her shadow, living in the memory of her and missing her. Living with the thought that I would never be good enough and grieving the loss of the woman I wasn’t anymore. It hurt a lot. I despised myself and I despised her too, but at the same time, I worshiped her.

It wasn’t really living. It was more like tolerating life. I tried to smile and keep up my spirits. When I was alone, I was either apathetic or in tears. Life wasn’t what life should have been and could have been.

I resorted to fading into the background of life. I didn’t feel like I was needed or that I could add anything meaningful to life. It was easier to find mindless things to do to drown out the memory of her than to face her with my pitiful contributions to life, especially to our family. I couldn’t be the wife, mom, friend, daughter, or even Christian she could be and if I couldn’t meet that standard, I didn’t feel that being less than that was any good.

But that way of living kept me stuck. Unable to move forward, I was in a constant place of comparing myself to her. When the home videos would go on, it hurt my heart too much to watch myself before the health crisis and I would withdraw to another room where I didn’t have to watch her. Did I mention she was amazing?

But it got worse. The more I was with my family, the more I saw her. My family began to be a reminder of her. Watching them do the things I used to be able to do was excruciating. The more I was around them, the more I was reminded of her and who I no longer was.

And so I began retreating from them more and more. I fought it to a degree, battling through the day, trying not to let the reminder of her intimidate and discourage me. I attempted to keep myself present instead of fleeing…many attempts in vain. I put some effort into it, but not much. I failed a lot at rising to the occasion. It seemed to be a losing battle. I saw her everywhere!

One day, the Lord made it all so crystal clear to me and I just kind of went “Wow.” All the feelings finally made sense. My behavior was no longer a mystery to me. I saw her for what she really was:

An illusion. A fantasy. A thief. A lie. I was letting this person who no longer existed steal precious moments of life from me.

I’m going to be honest. She still tries to hang around. I still feel like shutting down when I catch a glimpse of her. But she’s not controlling my life like she was and she’s not welcome here! She’s been officially kicked out. Instead of focusing on her, I’m learning to focus instead on God and all that He is and who I am in Christ. When I see her out of the corner of my eye, I remind myself with the truth:

I belong to a loving Heavenly Father and I am precious in His sight. I may have lost a lot of “what I can do”, but what I’ve gained in return is more precious than gold and it shows “what God can do”. Even though I may not understand or it may not feel good, God is working everything out for my good. This trial is temporary, whereas my life with Christ is eternal. I am enough, because God says that I am complete in Him. Life is a gift!

I’m still in the process of getting free from the loss, grief, pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, and bad habits. The longer I’m on this journey, the deeper God goes into my heart. The fact is, I wasn’t good enough for myself. There is the root problem, plain and simple. I’m learning to accept who I am now and what I can do. I’m learning to be grateful for how far God has brought me. I’m learning to be content with what I am able to do, because this is God’s will for me at the moment. Fighting God’s will, denying the reality of it…that doesn’t help matters. It hasn’t been easy and the journey isn’t over yet, but the cloud and fog that covered much of 2014 have started to lift and are being pierced through with rays of God’s hope and love.

John 10 vs 10 Adriel Hong

I have appreciated this verse throughout the past several months and it continues to be a reminder to me of what God desires for me. The Lord doesn’t just want me to “get through” life, He wants me to experience His abundant life here and now while I’m living life on this earth. It’s a promise that I’m holding on to tightly as I continue moving on!

Learning how to move on one step at a time,
~ Adriel ~

Share

Filed Under: Christian Living, God, Keeping It Real Monday Tagged With: God, healing, health, honestly, hope, Jesus, journey, Keeping It Real Monday, life, promise, real life, scripture, testimony, trial, trust, truth, Word of the Year

Trackbacks

  1. Goodbye, Old Woman! – Adriel's Music Notes says:
    December 8, 2015 at 1:27 am

    […] may remember THIS POST where I shared about “The Other Woman”. As much as I had grown in the Lord and found some freedom from the oppression of living in her […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Subscribe!

Enter your email address below to be notified when new content is added to Adriel's Music Notes

I'm Adriel Hong and I am a child of God and believer in Jesus Christ. I'm also a wife, a homeschool mom, and a Christian singer/songwriter.

I'd like to welcome you to my music notes, a little corner of cyberspace where I share my songwriting journey, which includes free music, stories behind the songs, personal testimonies, music videos, and my musings. I pray that God would bless you and encourage you through this site and the songs that I am privileged to write down for Him. Check out my blog posts, listen to music, watch a video, or just poke around to make your own discoveries! Thanks for visiting and have a very blessed day! =)

Follow me on

This Week’s Featured Posts

The 4 Year Mark

The 4 Year Mark

4 years ago my life changed overnight. I went to bed normal. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was never the same. As I reflect on the desperate months following in which my health would plummet to a critical point, I can finally face the memories, the losses, the guilt, […]

Share

Recent Comments

  • Adriel on 2016 Word of the Year
  • Adriel on The 4 Year Mark
  • Brandi Raae on The 4 Year Mark
  • Josef Sefton on 2016 Word of the Year
  • Josef Sefton on 2016 Word of the Year

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Categories

  • Christian Living
  • Encouragement
  • Family
  • God
  • Happy Music Friday
  • Keeping It Real Monday
  • Music
  • Shout Out
  • Story Behind the Song
  • Throwback Thursday
  • What's New
  • When I Look Back: The Journey

Archives

  • October 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014

Here’s What’s New!

  • The 4 Year Mark
  • 2016 Word of the Year
  • “God With Us” – A Christmas Song
  • Goodbye, Old Woman!

Popular Tags

Christ Christian Christmas communication download Emmanuel encouragement encouraging faith free download fruit of the Spirit God healing hope Inspiration inspirational Jesus journey Keeping It Real Monday learning Lo I Am With You loss love miscarriage music Music Friday online bullying pain patience peace praise promise scripture song suffering testimony testing Throwback Thursday trial trust truth updates video Word of the Year worship

Looking for Something?

March 2021
S M T W T F S
« Oct    
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Copyright © 2021 · Beautiful Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in